The loss of childhood innocence

Did you have that one weird uncle?  Well, mine was a great uncle.  At one of the many time I was staying with my grandparents, he was also staying there.

He seemed really cool at first, his name was Willy.  I was around 11 or 12, and he used to want to play tag which ended up in wrestling and tickling in the end.

At the time, I still had my sense of childhood naivety, but this would soon be lost.

Willy would go to the store and bring me back candy bars, then want to “play”.  After this went on for a little while, I started to notice the grabbing and groping that seemed to be a part of the “catching you phase”.  I was young, and again naive, so at first I thought I was thinking too much into it, that these times he seemed to be getting “handsy” were merely accidental.

As the frequency of these times increased, I no longer thought they were an accident.  I began telling him that I didn’t want to play and refusing his candy bars. (Were these some sort of bribe for my silence?  With what he was doing, I didn’t want anything from him.)

He didn’t like that.  My grandmother scolded me for hurting his feelings.  She told me to be nice to him, so I tried to fake the smiles.  I didn’t know what to do.  How was I going to tell her that her brother was not treating me appropriately?  Of course, my mother was nowhere to be found, so I didn’t say anything.  What if I was mistaken?  It would soon be made very clear that I was not.


This is an on-going story of my life and some of the childhood adversities that I faced.  If you would like to start at the beginning of my tale, please read Four-year-old and Mother Survive Bludgeoning by River Rock, or go to the Childhood category and start at the bottom.


While I was staying there, I was sleeping on the couch.  He came in late one night after all of this had happened, so it was just the two of us in the living room, my grandparents had already gone to bed.  I was frightened.  I didn’t know how he was going to act, so I pretended to be asleep (of course being quite the hyper-vigilant child any small noise wakes me up even to this day).

He kept trying to talk to me.  Calling my name over and over, and I kept faking sleep.  He started to get angry.

My uncle started speaking to me in the nastiest tone imaginable saying how I didn’t need to pretend to be asleep that he didn’t even want to grab my chest and crotch (much harsher words).  He said did I think I was hot stuff or something, he could find plenty of women to let him do more than just grab them.

This went on for at least 10 minutes while I laid there stock still with my back to him and tears running down my face.

Did he not realize or care that he was speaking to his young niece? It was humiliating and disgusting listening to his tirade.

I wonder if I should have jumped up and started defending myself against his nasty, disgusting taunts??

My aunt recently told me that my grandmother was a very light sleeper, so how did his raised voice not wake her up when we were just in a small trailer?  A worse thought is that she did wake her up but not come to my aid?

I never told anyone about this until years later.  They all asked why I wouldn’t have anything to do with that uncle anymore, but I never told anyone…

Until many years later when my much younger cousin made these same claims.  Then I told my other cousins that she was not lying and that it had also happened to me.

Please read the next phase of my story: A Young Girl’s Most Precious Possession

10 thoughts on “ The loss of childhood innocence

  • April 13, 2017 at 5:06 am

    I am in tears for what happened to you! Angry and sad at the same time, as this also happened to me. And I have told know one besides my best friend. It was horrible telling her that her uncle was molesting me! But she then told me she had been being molested and raped by him for many years. Sad sad sad

    • April 13, 2017 at 5:34 am

      I am so sorry this also happened to you! It was very hard for me to write about it. It is always hard for those that went through it to speak out because we feel so ashamed, and we shouldn’t because it was NOT something we did.

      I’m glad you had your best friend there for you, although I can only imagine how hard it was to tell her that her uncle was the culprit, and even worse to learn that he had also done things to her.

      As victims, we always fear that people won’t believe us, and my grandmother called my cousin a liar just as I predicted in my situation. Then when I finally had to tell my other cousins, so she’d be believed and protected.

      It truly is a sad and horrible thing to have this happen to you. Thanks for your encouragement as always!

  • April 17, 2017 at 2:29 pm

    What a traumatic experience…I’m so glad you were able to survive that, & maybe now, hopefully help others to avoid it

    • April 17, 2017 at 2:33 pm

      Thank, I hope my past experiences can help others in any way possible. Thank you for commenting =)

  • April 24, 2017 at 11:09 am

    This was so hard to read. What a traumatic thing to have experienced at such a vulnerable age. Thank you for sharing it, as so many people who have experienced the same can find relief knowing there is someone who is openly discussing it, as too many victims keep it a secret out of fear. I find it empowering that you have shared your experience with us.

    • April 24, 2017 at 11:08 am

      Thank you so much. It was very traumatic, and I’ve had to take a little blog break since sharing, but I hope my story can help someone out there know that they are not alone and not at fault if they experienced something similar!

      Comments help me know that people are impacted by my stories, so thank you so much for commenting ?

  • May 6, 2017 at 11:46 am

    It’s gut wrenching to read what you have endured. I’m glad that you’ve found the strength to put this out there. The world needs to be reminded. Sexual abuse and assault now seems too easily and frequently looked on now as sad an terrible things but, oh well, it’s time to move on with other matters and assume that it never really affects us. That kind of attitude.
    All the best to you.

    • May 6, 2017 at 11:08 am

      Thank you for your comment. It is very hard to talk about, and to blame yourself for what was done to you. I hope my blog will help at least one person see that you can get through your adversities (with time and healing), and move forward and overcome.

      It is so hard to have something like this swept under the rug and for one to have to suffer in silence.

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